Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Why girls are better than boys

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.

6. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

12. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).

14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

15. We know the truth about whether size matters.

16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

17. If we have sex with someone and don't call the next day, we're not the devil.

18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

19. We can sleep our way to the top.

20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

21. It is possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.

23. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.

25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.

28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

30. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

34. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

36. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

37. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

Alcohol Warning

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers haveaccepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placedimmediately on all beer containers:

1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what thehell happened to your bra.

2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whisperingwhen you are not.

3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like aretard.

4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friendsover and over again that you love them.

5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe thatex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logicallyconverse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mysticalKung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in themorning and see something really scary.

10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicablerug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you aretougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you areinvisible.

13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people arelaughing WITH you.

14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in thetime-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.